Welcome Home

Wow, I can't describe the feelings that I have right now, Gil is home!!!!!!!! I prayed so hard the he stayed safe while fighting in Afghanistan... prayers do work, now to get a visit in, and wouldn't it be awesome if I could see Dreau  and Jude too? being a military mom is hard work....welcome home hero

Aspergers sucks

He wants to fit in so badly, but he doesn't know how to, even when there are kids everywhere his age, he just doesn't fit in, tonight he was told to "get away" by some other kids at the football game, he was down about it for all of 2 minutes, then he said, "I'm going back there!" I said go right ahead buddy! mom is here if you need to come back, he seems to ignore alot of  remarks that other kids make about him, but he carries them on his heart..... I want my little boy to be happy, he fits in just fine with me, but I know he desperately wants friends...one day kids won't look down on other kids because they are different, or because they still like something that their age group out grew 2 years ago....

Grown up talk

Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday, he was bringing me flowers, and cards, and telling me he loved me sooooooooooo much.... tonight he brought me information about the national guard, and specifically infantry... I love my little robin" to pieces, and will support him no matter what he decides to become, he and his brothers are my world, I will give my last breathe for them, they are the best part of me... God gave these precious children to me to nurture, and teach, I can only hope that I did what God wanted... Wow really? infantry? Sgt Bergeron! come here! we gotta talk!

What does Asperger's syndrome look like ?

This is Keith, my little " oh look! a lizard!" child. We have been through so many hills and valleys together and just when I think the riddle may be solved as to what disorder is afflicting him, we get slammed with "Pervasive Development Disorder". What is that? what did you just say? why have I never heard this before? Well, PDD is a thousand dollar word for Autism Spectrum of disorders. GREAT! On top of what my guy already has to deal with on a daily basis, we can now throw something else into his "gumbo". I am told that whatever disorder he has, he is very high functioning, why does that not soothe me? I think of him never fitting into social situations, not knowing the right response to a joke... then I think, wait, I have friends and a family member with children who cope very well with forms of this disorder every day, if they can do it, so can we!!!!! Now, I am far from "thrilled" by this idea, but it is what it is, and for today, we are happy not to be suspended.... so I guess this is what aspergers looks like.... one day at a time......

my crazy middle child

I thought today would be a good day to tell everyone about my son Kevin, he is that "middle child" but he is hardly invisible! He is a clown, a comforter, a friend. Kevin is a Junior in high school right now trying to decide what he wants to be when he grows up, I know he will be very successful whatever he decides, I never thought he could be so serious about his choices of what career path to take, he always has just lived for today. Not only is he serious about his career future, he is also a great friend, and very caring. He has a friend that has tried to hurt herself, he is standing by her, it hurts me to think a child could be this depressed, but we know it happens, and there is no fault to lay at anyone's feet, it is what it is, but we have to open our eyes to it, and address it, Kevin standing by his friend makes me as a mom so proud of  him, he visits her daily to check that she is ok, when I see him say her name, there is obvious concern in his voice and on his face, it warms me that I created a child with such compassion for others. More on Kevin later, but I love you son!

Does he really hate me?

Found this picture in one of my sister's scrapbooks, I think this was the year that Keith was diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder, wow, he was so tiny! I couldn't believe my ears, I couldn't accept that my baby could have THAT!  Of course it made sense, I didn't know why my cute little boy hated me... the scars have faded, I have no pictures of that, and I don't know how if at all I will explain the early years to him...they were very hard. It has been 7 years since we started this road of mental illness, we have had our ups and downs, there have been a lot more downs than ups in the last 2 years, but we are a team, and we will face whatever is thrown our way. We meet with a neurologist tomorrow, yes the thought of that is terrifying, I am wide awake, so many emotions running through my head, what will she ask me? will she think I caused this? Did I cause this? Did I miss something along the way? Did I stay in a bad marriage too long? What effects did that have on all 3 of my children? I know the shame and the sadness of having a child with mental illness, the stares at the grocery store when he knocks over a display. The whispers..." that child needs a good ass whipping" yea I have heard them all, if they only knew... if they only knew what it was like to have their child attack them, and leave scars and scratches on their mothers arms...and then within 5 minutes, revert back to the loving child with no memory of what had just happened... It is the worse feeling in the world to think your 4 year old hates you...........God, if you are reading this, I accept whatever you feel I can handle, but leave my child out of this please....

On the almost eve of September 11th....

September 11,2001....where do I begin? As the 10 year anniversary approaches, I am remembering that day, and the days and weeks that followed...what was I worried about on that day? what was my biggest fear up to that  day? I remember going to a friends house that morning, I was taking her and her daughter to the dr. I remember walking in her house and she saying " come here, look at the news!! A plane just hit the world trade center" I thought, no way, this can't have happened, must have been a mistake, mechanical error, then as I watched a live feed on the news, the second plane hit the other tower.... I knew then that we had been attacked, I stood frozen, my mind racing, but then, we had things to do. So we loaded the kids into my van and off to the dr we went, on our way i had the radio on for updates of course. I was not prepared for what I heard next... you joke about family that doesn't live nearby and how that it's for a reason, but I would have given anything that day to have my uncle living in LA instead of DC and working at the pentagon... I was on canal blvd when I heard " a plane just hit the pentagon" I don't know how i stayed focused and didn't wreck my vehicle... I pulled over into a parking lot and called my mother... when she answered all i could do was cry out "Mom!" and she had just heard also... it was a long week before we heard from them up there that they were ok...I remember staring at the television for a glimpse, a word.. anything, nothing came. I remember my sons 9, 7, and 1. and trying to explain to my 9 year old what we were witnessing, poor guy didn't understand it at all... first night we had it on, there was nothing else to watch on television for a few days, they showed a man jumping out of the world trade center, my son was young, didn't understand, he laughed... I knew then that it was my job to protect them from the evils of the world, and make them strong enough to handle what life threw at them. Now, here we are 10 years later, and my 9 year old has turned into a 19 year old, and became the strong young man I knew he could be....he is an Airman First Class in the United States Air Force. And I couldn't be prouder...

Day one of the next leg of the journey

A Special Child

You weren’t like other children,
And God was well aware,
You’d need a caring family,
With love enough to share.
And so He sent you to us,
And much to our surprise,
You haven’t been a challenge,
But a blessing in disguise.
Your winning smiles and laughter,
The pleasures you impart,
Far outweigh your special needs,
And melt the coldest heart.
We’re proud that we’ve been chosen,
To help you learn and grow,
The job that you have brought us,
Is more than you can know.
A precious gift from Heaven,
A treasure from above,
A child who’s taught us many things,
But most of all- “Real Love”

a new chapter

Well, the day I had hoped we were past has come...Keith is on yet another medication to control things that he does that are so beyond his understanding...He is this child you see in the picture, smiling, happy, likes to be silly...but there are times when for whatever reason he snaps and becomes someone that not even he understands. I don't know why he was chosen to have this disability, but I know that as his mom, I will do everything within my power to help him get along in this world, I wish I could twinkle my nose and it would have all been a nightmare, but we all know that bewitched was a television show, and "denial" is a river in Eygpt... So we go on with this new information and knowledge, and pray that he does not turn into a shell of who he is, he is a happy, fun, caring 11 year old. I want everyone he meets to know this.  I, as his mother, has shared  this difficult life with him for the last 7 years, I keep bandaids and ice packs for booboo's...this booboo I cannot fix on my own, I accept that, I just will not accept allowing him to slip deeper into his mental illness... I also know that i am in one of the hardest positions a mother can be put in, my options are limited, as a working single mother I know that quitting my job to stay home and home school him are out of the question, even though that would be the ideal solution, but then, he becomes isolated and lonely, not that all homeschool children become that way, I just know my son and how much he loves being around his peers, even if he struggles to " be part of the group". And that leaves me with only one real option... medication....but there are so many different medications out there, many we have already tried and had blah results from....one form of the medication for adhd stops his appetite, and he doesn't eat, then he doesn't have energy so he is pale and listless, another lowers his blood pressure to the point where he will fall asleep on a dime.... but today we talked mood stabilizers, scary thoughts run through my head, what affect will this have on him? Will I recognize him in 3 weeks? Will this one work? Time will tell.....

ADHD is not something to be ashamed of...

Wow, what a day, we are in the middle of a tropical storm and the rain seems neverending. I realized today just how misunderstood mental illness is...and it breaks my heart, when I look at my child I see his smile, his silly sayings, but I was confronted today by something I never thought I would ever encounter, people within my own family thinking that ADHD was something to be ashamed by, that a child in their life could not possibly have this, and who was I to insult him that way? Insult? if the mere notion that this child has ADHD appalled them this much, what must they think of my child? I thought they loved him, wanted the best for him, after all, isn't that what families do? Care for one another and want the best for them? Now, I feel as though he is an embarrassment, someone they don't want to be around... well, it is their loss, I will not hide him away, or act as though he is "damaged". I will miss you, but this is your choice not mine....

Back to the drawing board

My little wild child Keith has started a new chapter in his life, he is now a MIDDLE SCHOOLER, we don't take well to change...and middle school is a HUGE change...what was once a 2 class day has turned into a 7 class day, switching classes, changing out books, writing down assignments... bubble bubble toil and trouble. Seems my lil sweet man is not so sweet these days, so off we go back to the land of medication, counseling, neurologists.... I feel so overwhelmed, I know it could be so much worse, but I can't help but question, why my child? why does he have this heavy burden to carry... did I do something to cause this? did I miss something along the way? When he was born, we were so happy! he completed our lil family.... of course now, its just me and the boys...life got in the way of that happy family and tore it apart...did that damage him? I keep looking for answers and hitting brick walls, we see the neurologist on the 14th, I pray we get some answers....