Found this picture in one of my sister's scrapbooks, I think this was the year that Keith was diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder, wow, he was so tiny! I couldn't believe my ears, I couldn't accept that my baby could have THAT! Of course it made sense, I didn't know why my cute little boy hated me... the scars have faded, I have no pictures of that, and I don't know how if at all I will explain the early years to him...they were very hard. It has been 7 years since we started this road of mental illness, we have had our ups and downs, there have been a lot more downs than ups in the last 2 years, but we are a team, and we will face whatever is thrown our way. We meet with a neurologist tomorrow, yes the thought of that is terrifying, I am wide awake, so many emotions running through my head, what will she ask me? will she think I caused this? Did I cause this? Did I miss something along the way? Did I stay in a bad marriage too long? What effects did that have on all 3 of my children? I know the shame and the sadness of having a child with mental illness, the stares at the grocery store when he knocks over a display. The whispers..." that child needs a good ass whipping" yea I have heard them all, if they only knew... if they only knew what it was like to have their child attack them, and leave scars and scratches on their mothers arms...and then within 5 minutes, revert back to the loving child with no memory of what had just happened... It is the worse feeling in the world to think your 4 year old hates you...........God, if you are reading this, I accept whatever you feel I can handle, but leave my child out of this please....
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