Kevin

Wow, another child almost grown, I am always amazed that I have raised such wonderful, well rounded children, Dreau has achieved more in  his 19 years than some people achieve in a lifetime, he is doing what he always wanted to do, in a state clear across the country, he makes me very proud, but this post is not about Dreau, this is about Kevin, my 17 year old who is carving his own path, he is a clown, never serious about anything, except his faith, the child has a faith in God that puts me in awe, he stands up for what he believes in, always considers others before himself, never asks for anything spectacular, he knows that we are not wealthy, but he knows that he never goes without anything that he needs, and I think that his spiritual education is very much a necessity, he works hard for things he wants, he is leaving tomorrow for a trip with his youth group to Indianapolis, Indiana. He worked to raise the money for this trip, car washes and bake sales and selling candy. How good that must feel that he at 17 earned that trip thru his own hands, nobody handed him a check and said go have fun. He wanted this trip so badly that he did fundraising for an entire year to EARN the money for it. I pray that he soaks up everything he can while he is there. What a special gift that a 17 year old boy, no, young man, has such a deep faith that this is where he wants his life journey to go. I love you Kevin, and I will miss you!

Whirlwind

Wow, what a crazy time the last couple of weeks has been for me...after seeking answers to the mystery that is my son Keith, I finally pinned down the doctor and got the results of over 2 months of testing...Autism....not Aspergers, not any high functioning anything............what does this mean for us? What kind of life will he have? What obstacles will be in his way in life? Will he ever be on level with his age group? Will he be able to keep up in school and graduate? How did nobody catch on to this before? Sometimes when you seek answers, you are just totally blindsided to the results, I do know that I will do EVERYTHING in my power as his mother to make sure that he gets all the help he needs to be successful, there are changes that need to be made, he will succeed, even if it's in unconventional ways. He is my baby, the child that reminds me daily to slow down and remember that it could always be worse, he brings me flowers to brighten my mood, even if its a peepee flower, he always gets a smile from me for it. He is my " oh look a lizard" child. When he was born, I had so many hopes and dreams for him, and watching him grow into the 6th grader he is now, I am still amazed at how far we have come. The scars have healed, and he will never know how bad those early years were. He will always know that he is loved unconditionally. No matter where life leads us, he will never be known as " that autistic boy" he will be Keith who is not allowing autism to stop him! He is the kid that likes to "hang out" with his friends, never meets a stranger, has  compassion for others, loves to watch cartoons, and videos on youtube. He is a free spirit, and while he wants to feel like he is a part of the group, he wants to be accepted on his terms, he is not into changing who he is to conform... boy I think he is very wise beyond his years for that. He teaches me so much and doesn't even know it. I love you son... and I always will

My mom, my best friend

I'm not sure when it happened, must have been somewhere between " because I said so" and " keep it up and I'll really give you something to cry about " my mom became my best friend. Oh, wait, I know when it happened, when I became a mom! My mom is the greatest mom you will ever meet, and she has learned to loosen up a bit more lately, that makes it even better, she has a great smile! She taught me so much with out even realizing it, she taught me that it doesn't matter how much money you make, what kind of house you live in, or what kind of clothes you wear, if you love yourself and your family, you are the richest person around, and everyone will want to be friends with you. She taught me to treat others as I would want my grandparent, parent, child to be treated. She is still showing me things, She reminds me to slow down and smell the roses, that we are not guaranteed tomorrow, and to enjoy the day you are living today. She taught me that it's not the 5 star vacations that you will remember, its getting lost along the way, its the caravan of vehicles heading to disney with walkie talkies to help the time pass. She taught me to take pictures of EVERYTHING, and label them. Best of all, she taught me to forgive those who wrong me and pray for the ones that think they are better than me... I love you mom!

God's will

• What a week this has turned out to be, we had another appointment yesterday with Dr. Angie, in Baton Rouge this time. So anxious to get the results!!! But what will they mean? Where will we go on this leg of our journey? I don't know, but I do know that I am doing the best that I can, and it's showing, people are noticing, I have always enjoyed helping others, that is what God wants us to do, that is why we are put on this earth. I want to share a story with you guys about something that happened to me yesterday after the doctor appointment.  We went to the doctor, so we get out and its lunch time. Keith's hungry, I'm hungry, so we stop at a Mc Donalds not far from the doctors office
• So we order our food, and go sit, the place is packed, then an older gentleman comes to sit near us at another table, he was walking with his walker, and the tray was on the walker "seat" so he goes to his table, and hes steadying himself with one hand and trying to put his food on the table with the other, when I looked up and saw him I immediately went over to help him. He had done most of the work himself, his drink and hamburger were already on the table, but he was wrestling with his napkins, so  I offered to help him, put his napkins on his table, and I took his tray for him and put it where they go, so then I went back to my table and we ate our lunch, all of a sudden a man walked up to me and said " excuse me, god bless you for what you did for that man, there should be more people like you in this world" I smiled and said thank you and he walked away, but it really made me feel good even though I didn't do it for anyone to notice. Everyone helps out the elderly and less fortunate right?

life alone

Well, our journey for answers has brought us here, MORE TESTS... but we will go where we are sent and take the test, the results will be available to us November 1st. What will this diagnosis bring? Will he receive the services the dr prescribes? How hard will it be for me to get any services she prescribes? It is tough being a single mom, but it is a trillion times harder being a single mom to a special needs child, you are alone, there is nobody to comfort you at night when you hit a brick wall trying to get help for your child, leaving messages on voice mails not sure if you will hear back from anyone. And, you can't "just date" cause you have special needs as well, most guys hear "special needs" and walk away, you are a different kind of package deal...but the children ALWAYS come first, so you trudge along alone and do what you must for your child, the fairy tale ending you dreamed about as a child is gone, it's not happening...but for today, you got him off to school with homework completed and in tow, pray he turns it in?! It could always be worse...faith in God gets me thru the darkest days, and my son's smile. Have a great day everyone and enjoy life

Blue Blue Christmas

Okay, thats it! Christmas is cancelled, stop all production of anything related to Christmas! Dreau just told me that he will NOT be home for Christmas, how can we have Christmas without Dreau?! IMPOSSIBLE! sleeping thru the holiday...yea right, don't think Kevin and Keith would appreciate that too much, the life of a military family is soooo hard, and everywhere you turn, you see how hard military wives have it, and how lonely they are, well, what about the mothers who carried this child in their womb for 9 months, and raised them, watched them grow and blossom into young men or women whatever the  case may be, we matter too! Anyway, I miss my child, and I was so looking forward to Christmas... oh well, maybe next year? please?

God Bless America

Gil's home! praise God that he made it home safely, I haven't seen him, dont know if I will, how will I feel seeing him? I have been doing good at holding it together, how much longer will it last before I just turn to mush?  Jude's coming home, I can't wait to see him... when am I gonna see Dreau again? that is who I miss so bad it hurts to breathe sometimes, Dreau will do great and wonderful things in his life, he will see things we cant even imagine at this time, but for tonight he''s my son, and i miss him...

Dr visit looming

Well, October 12 is here, 2 days, I am still as nervous as I was when I made the appointment, what will she find, how will our lives be forever changed? Where do we go from here?I have cried, prayed, talked to friends, but still...my heart breaks for my child, what must he think of me? taking him to one dr after another for opinions, I hope he doesn't think that i want a different or perfect child, I don't want to "fix" him so much as I want him to have a happy life. When he was born, he was a beautiful child, he was more fussy than my other children and I remember thinking, thank god I had him later in life, cause I never would have had the patience at 19 for this child! Patience is definitely not a gift that is simply inherited, you learn it thru time... I almost feel like Dorothy following the yellow brick road. Today was Fall Break, I had phone calls to make, emails to go through, coupons to print, but he wanted to bowl with me on the wii, and he has a way of reminding you that you said  you would play with me! so I caved and bowled 2 games with him, then I learned later that i also lost a round of tennis against him... he played both characters! Today we built a good memory... what will tomorrow hold?

Welcome Home

Wow, I can't describe the feelings that I have right now, Gil is home!!!!!!!! I prayed so hard the he stayed safe while fighting in Afghanistan... prayers do work, now to get a visit in, and wouldn't it be awesome if I could see Dreau  and Jude too? being a military mom is hard work....welcome home hero

Aspergers sucks

He wants to fit in so badly, but he doesn't know how to, even when there are kids everywhere his age, he just doesn't fit in, tonight he was told to "get away" by some other kids at the football game, he was down about it for all of 2 minutes, then he said, "I'm going back there!" I said go right ahead buddy! mom is here if you need to come back, he seems to ignore alot of  remarks that other kids make about him, but he carries them on his heart..... I want my little boy to be happy, he fits in just fine with me, but I know he desperately wants friends...one day kids won't look down on other kids because they are different, or because they still like something that their age group out grew 2 years ago....

Grown up talk

Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday, he was bringing me flowers, and cards, and telling me he loved me sooooooooooo much.... tonight he brought me information about the national guard, and specifically infantry... I love my little robin" to pieces, and will support him no matter what he decides to become, he and his brothers are my world, I will give my last breathe for them, they are the best part of me... God gave these precious children to me to nurture, and teach, I can only hope that I did what God wanted... Wow really? infantry? Sgt Bergeron! come here! we gotta talk!

What does Asperger's syndrome look like ?

This is Keith, my little " oh look! a lizard!" child. We have been through so many hills and valleys together and just when I think the riddle may be solved as to what disorder is afflicting him, we get slammed with "Pervasive Development Disorder". What is that? what did you just say? why have I never heard this before? Well, PDD is a thousand dollar word for Autism Spectrum of disorders. GREAT! On top of what my guy already has to deal with on a daily basis, we can now throw something else into his "gumbo". I am told that whatever disorder he has, he is very high functioning, why does that not soothe me? I think of him never fitting into social situations, not knowing the right response to a joke... then I think, wait, I have friends and a family member with children who cope very well with forms of this disorder every day, if they can do it, so can we!!!!! Now, I am far from "thrilled" by this idea, but it is what it is, and for today, we are happy not to be suspended.... so I guess this is what aspergers looks like.... one day at a time......

my crazy middle child

I thought today would be a good day to tell everyone about my son Kevin, he is that "middle child" but he is hardly invisible! He is a clown, a comforter, a friend. Kevin is a Junior in high school right now trying to decide what he wants to be when he grows up, I know he will be very successful whatever he decides, I never thought he could be so serious about his choices of what career path to take, he always has just lived for today. Not only is he serious about his career future, he is also a great friend, and very caring. He has a friend that has tried to hurt herself, he is standing by her, it hurts me to think a child could be this depressed, but we know it happens, and there is no fault to lay at anyone's feet, it is what it is, but we have to open our eyes to it, and address it, Kevin standing by his friend makes me as a mom so proud of  him, he visits her daily to check that she is ok, when I see him say her name, there is obvious concern in his voice and on his face, it warms me that I created a child with such compassion for others. More on Kevin later, but I love you son!

Does he really hate me?

Found this picture in one of my sister's scrapbooks, I think this was the year that Keith was diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder, wow, he was so tiny! I couldn't believe my ears, I couldn't accept that my baby could have THAT!  Of course it made sense, I didn't know why my cute little boy hated me... the scars have faded, I have no pictures of that, and I don't know how if at all I will explain the early years to him...they were very hard. It has been 7 years since we started this road of mental illness, we have had our ups and downs, there have been a lot more downs than ups in the last 2 years, but we are a team, and we will face whatever is thrown our way. We meet with a neurologist tomorrow, yes the thought of that is terrifying, I am wide awake, so many emotions running through my head, what will she ask me? will she think I caused this? Did I cause this? Did I miss something along the way? Did I stay in a bad marriage too long? What effects did that have on all 3 of my children? I know the shame and the sadness of having a child with mental illness, the stares at the grocery store when he knocks over a display. The whispers..." that child needs a good ass whipping" yea I have heard them all, if they only knew... if they only knew what it was like to have their child attack them, and leave scars and scratches on their mothers arms...and then within 5 minutes, revert back to the loving child with no memory of what had just happened... It is the worse feeling in the world to think your 4 year old hates you...........God, if you are reading this, I accept whatever you feel I can handle, but leave my child out of this please....

On the almost eve of September 11th....

September 11,2001....where do I begin? As the 10 year anniversary approaches, I am remembering that day, and the days and weeks that followed...what was I worried about on that day? what was my biggest fear up to that  day? I remember going to a friends house that morning, I was taking her and her daughter to the dr. I remember walking in her house and she saying " come here, look at the news!! A plane just hit the world trade center" I thought, no way, this can't have happened, must have been a mistake, mechanical error, then as I watched a live feed on the news, the second plane hit the other tower.... I knew then that we had been attacked, I stood frozen, my mind racing, but then, we had things to do. So we loaded the kids into my van and off to the dr we went, on our way i had the radio on for updates of course. I was not prepared for what I heard next... you joke about family that doesn't live nearby and how that it's for a reason, but I would have given anything that day to have my uncle living in LA instead of DC and working at the pentagon... I was on canal blvd when I heard " a plane just hit the pentagon" I don't know how i stayed focused and didn't wreck my vehicle... I pulled over into a parking lot and called my mother... when she answered all i could do was cry out "Mom!" and she had just heard also... it was a long week before we heard from them up there that they were ok...I remember staring at the television for a glimpse, a word.. anything, nothing came. I remember my sons 9, 7, and 1. and trying to explain to my 9 year old what we were witnessing, poor guy didn't understand it at all... first night we had it on, there was nothing else to watch on television for a few days, they showed a man jumping out of the world trade center, my son was young, didn't understand, he laughed... I knew then that it was my job to protect them from the evils of the world, and make them strong enough to handle what life threw at them. Now, here we are 10 years later, and my 9 year old has turned into a 19 year old, and became the strong young man I knew he could be....he is an Airman First Class in the United States Air Force. And I couldn't be prouder...

Day one of the next leg of the journey

A Special Child

You weren’t like other children,
And God was well aware,
You’d need a caring family,
With love enough to share.
And so He sent you to us,
And much to our surprise,
You haven’t been a challenge,
But a blessing in disguise.
Your winning smiles and laughter,
The pleasures you impart,
Far outweigh your special needs,
And melt the coldest heart.
We’re proud that we’ve been chosen,
To help you learn and grow,
The job that you have brought us,
Is more than you can know.
A precious gift from Heaven,
A treasure from above,
A child who’s taught us many things,
But most of all- “Real Love”

a new chapter

Well, the day I had hoped we were past has come...Keith is on yet another medication to control things that he does that are so beyond his understanding...He is this child you see in the picture, smiling, happy, likes to be silly...but there are times when for whatever reason he snaps and becomes someone that not even he understands. I don't know why he was chosen to have this disability, but I know that as his mom, I will do everything within my power to help him get along in this world, I wish I could twinkle my nose and it would have all been a nightmare, but we all know that bewitched was a television show, and "denial" is a river in Eygpt... So we go on with this new information and knowledge, and pray that he does not turn into a shell of who he is, he is a happy, fun, caring 11 year old. I want everyone he meets to know this.  I, as his mother, has shared  this difficult life with him for the last 7 years, I keep bandaids and ice packs for booboo's...this booboo I cannot fix on my own, I accept that, I just will not accept allowing him to slip deeper into his mental illness... I also know that i am in one of the hardest positions a mother can be put in, my options are limited, as a working single mother I know that quitting my job to stay home and home school him are out of the question, even though that would be the ideal solution, but then, he becomes isolated and lonely, not that all homeschool children become that way, I just know my son and how much he loves being around his peers, even if he struggles to " be part of the group". And that leaves me with only one real option... medication....but there are so many different medications out there, many we have already tried and had blah results from....one form of the medication for adhd stops his appetite, and he doesn't eat, then he doesn't have energy so he is pale and listless, another lowers his blood pressure to the point where he will fall asleep on a dime.... but today we talked mood stabilizers, scary thoughts run through my head, what affect will this have on him? Will I recognize him in 3 weeks? Will this one work? Time will tell.....

ADHD is not something to be ashamed of...

Wow, what a day, we are in the middle of a tropical storm and the rain seems neverending. I realized today just how misunderstood mental illness is...and it breaks my heart, when I look at my child I see his smile, his silly sayings, but I was confronted today by something I never thought I would ever encounter, people within my own family thinking that ADHD was something to be ashamed by, that a child in their life could not possibly have this, and who was I to insult him that way? Insult? if the mere notion that this child has ADHD appalled them this much, what must they think of my child? I thought they loved him, wanted the best for him, after all, isn't that what families do? Care for one another and want the best for them? Now, I feel as though he is an embarrassment, someone they don't want to be around... well, it is their loss, I will not hide him away, or act as though he is "damaged". I will miss you, but this is your choice not mine....

Back to the drawing board

My little wild child Keith has started a new chapter in his life, he is now a MIDDLE SCHOOLER, we don't take well to change...and middle school is a HUGE change...what was once a 2 class day has turned into a 7 class day, switching classes, changing out books, writing down assignments... bubble bubble toil and trouble. Seems my lil sweet man is not so sweet these days, so off we go back to the land of medication, counseling, neurologists.... I feel so overwhelmed, I know it could be so much worse, but I can't help but question, why my child? why does he have this heavy burden to carry... did I do something to cause this? did I miss something along the way? When he was born, we were so happy! he completed our lil family.... of course now, its just me and the boys...life got in the way of that happy family and tore it apart...did that damage him? I keep looking for answers and hitting brick walls, we see the neurologist on the 14th, I pray we get some answers....

my 3 sons

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am the mother of 3 pretty great sons, Dreau is in the AirForce, Kevin will be in a branch of his own in 2 years, and little Keith, well, I'm locking him in the closet! I found out by reading Dreau's Face book page that he put in for a transfer to Turkey! wow, wondering how I will be able to drive there? not sure how I, supermom, will pull that off yet... And, yes I am super mom, I raised Batman and Robin and Joker. Robin (Kevin) has always been the sidekick, and he feels pretty lost without his wingman...but he is finding his own place in the world fairly nicely. The Joker (Keith) well, he is my oh look! a lizard! kiddo, and we never know what will come out of his mouth... took  him to the ER the other day cause he was saying some disturbing things, and when he was asked by the nurse if he enjoyed playing outside, his response quickly was "nah, it rains too much, and my mascara would get messed up"! Now, I have no problem with cross dressers or drag queens, but my 11 yr old has never worn mascara! and he said this with such deadpan humor, Saturday night live came to mind...maybe one day I will see his name up in lights!

feeling at a loss for words

I have been wanting to start blogging, I wasn't sure what I would blog about, my status as a single mother of 3 boys, being a military mom, being a mother to a child with adhd...I guess it would be a good idea to just blog about all of it. Today is different though, today we were very saddened to hear the news that a 7 year old child in our community was killed. Our community is fairly small, we don't know everyone, but we do know alot of people, and for the most part are very friendly with each other. This child was a special needs child, and for whatever reason, his mom's boyfriend decided that his life wasn't worth living...The manner of this child's death is too horrific for words, but the idea that he could not fight back, or scream for help, or run away...tears at my peace and at my false sense of security. As a single mother I struggle daily with so many things, bills, running kids here or there, feeling very lonely, but my children are not all grown up yet. I was scared to be alone, thought I needed a man in my life to feel complete. I don't know when it happened, but one day I realized that I didn't need a man to feel complete because I already had 3 of them... I know that not all mothers feel this way, and its a personal choice, nobody can tell someone else how to live their lives. I will pray for this mother, because I can't imagine surviving what she has gone through today. I hope that one day she will find peace...